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When the going gets tough...
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First of all, you can be sure that eventually almost every parent will hear something like "I gotta get out of here" or "Come get me RIGHT NOW!" from their son or daughter. Being a military student pushes them to the edge of their abilities ( and sometimes over the edge) no matter who they are or what their physical or mental abilities are. Graduates of the Academy have said to the NAPSters that they themselves couldn't do what our NAPSters do! It's intense stuff and although some of them LOVE it, if your son or daughter questions what they're doing, they are not alone. Nor is it an unreasonable question. When parents hear from distressed kids, it's not easy to listen objectively. If you find yourself in this position, here is something to consider.
- Your NAPSter may already have gotten through their difficulty. Sometimes, you hear from them only when it's tough and they forget to mention that they worked it out. Let it sit awhile and don't assume they will still feel the same way later. Ask how it feels the next day. Or the day after that.
- Assure them they are competent, intelligent and physically capable and they can do it. They surely can because they wouldn't be at NAPS unless this was true. NAPS believes in these kids. They push them, but they also believe in them. Remind them that NAPS is putting a lot of time and money into getting them through. They wouldn't do that unless they were sure our kids were worth it!
- If your NAPSter is questioning his/her decision to get a military education, they can safely talk to a member of the clergy and discuss how they feel. Sometimes it is very useful to express how you are feeling to another person. Others who can be talked to include their coach if they are on a team, a favorite teacher or even another student. If they worry about how it will look to admit their feelings, remind them that they are worthy of attention. You should not be the only one your son or daughter is talking with. We really don't have the answers and NAPS will not be shocked or retaliate against them for having questions. They are used to it since it is such a common experience among NAPSters. Your student may be reluctant to share feelings. They have spent quite some time now learning to bear pain and discomfort in silence. It's important to acknowledge their emotions though. Help them figure out who they can talk with.
- Some students have serious bouts of homesickness. It's hard for them to grow up and go away from what was familiar all their lives. Homesickness can do a student in if they let it! For young adults who have never been away from home for any length of time, this can be a major struggle. Remind them that home is still there and they can come back to visit, but that they are not little anymore. They will need to grow up and go away whether they come home early or not. They are adults and that can be scarey for anyone - especially for those of us who are new at it. Help them name their anxiety. They will likely not be so unhappy if they understand that what they are feeling is "just" homesickness. Labeling it helps to get a handle on it. Understanding can lead to growing out of it.
- When they discuss their options with an appropriate staff, they may work through their concerns and be back on board again. Hopefully, this is how it goes for you and yours. However, about a third of the original NAPS class doesn't finish out the year. Your son or daughter might discover they don't really want to continue. They are not a failure. Regardless of how it turns out, being in military training teaches our kids a lot about themselves and their capabilities. Life is full of choices and opportunities. We all need to find where we belong. Sometimes it takes awhile. They may need to explore a variety of different options for their lives. It might not include the military. Many adults still wonder what they are going to be when they grow up. Regardless of their choice, they are still our kids. We need to support them as they discover adulthood. It would not be a bad idea to keep alternate plans on the back burner for just in case.
If you are reading this page, your son or daughter is not one of those students cruising through NAPS. Actually, if they report that everything is easy, you probably don't know the whole story! Or perhaps it hasn't hit them yet what they are up against. NOBODY cruises through NAPS. It's tough academically, and it's supposed to be. The Naval Academy is one of the toughest academic schools in the country, and that doesn't even consider the military aspects of the lifestyle. It's NAPS's job to prepare our kids for those rigors. But, you are not alone and your sons and daughters are not alone either. There is support and help available for all of us. Talk to other parents. Many of them have already had this experience and are in the clear again. However, it goes, remember that life is full of opportunities and adventures and sometimes it's a surprise how things work out! Hang in there. Your kids can do this and you can too! NAPS wants them to succeed and will do everything they can to help facilitate success. There are some students who will excell academically at NAPS but there are others who struggle all year. For many of them it is a struggle psychologically because they are used to excelling and now just staying even seems beyond them! But you know, in the end, it's not as important in what position they graduate, just that they graduate! In today's relaxed world, the military can seem like a harsh way to go, but it's worth it in a lot of ways. Another thing is that after the first trimester they are allowed overnight liberty on weekends (a certain number per semester, not every weekend), so that should help student feel more comfortable with the whole setup.
Here is a real story from a staff member.
"Last year, we had a student (and this is a true story, not any made up thing) from one of the worst neighborhoods in the country. He HATED it here. He struggled academically, even militarily at times, but he saw where he came from, and more importantly, he saw where he was going. It was total culture shock, and from talking to him, I think it may have been the first time in his life he was held to any kind of a real standard. In the first grading period, his GPA was somewhere around 1.0. But by the end of the year, he had brought up his grades enough to graduate from here and go on to the academy. Why would he do it? He could have quit, and nobody would have blamed him or even thought twice about it. But he made the decision that where he was going with his life was more important that the temporary inconvenience of the climate here. I wish more of our students had this kind of vision and strength to carry it out. Maybe the parents could think of it that way."
Parenting is not an easy task. You may have thought that when your child turned 18 you were done. Not so! Being a NAPS Parent is like trotting behind a kid on a wobbling bike with no training wheels. It's tough to breathe with your heart in your throat. Only now you can't keep up. For every tightrope they balance upon, you hold your breath. For every hurdle they clear, we wait to exhale until it is certain they make it. As the year goes on, you have hopes that there will be release from so many tensions, real and imagined. Will it become a little less like walking on eggshells? If you are having trouble with sore, swollen jaws it might mean you need to unclench your jaws and chill. Actually it does get easier. As the routine gets familiar and as the schedule gets ingrained, the process gets internalized and things do get better. Remember to reach out to other parents and friends when it feels hard. We are here for you.
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